SLEDGE

Height: 6’2

Weight: 235 lbs.

Hometown: Newburg, NY

Finishers: "The Sledge Hammer"

Once upon a time there lived a boy named Sledge. Many of the other boys at school called him a bitch because of his long hair, and pale white skin, ---but he was a boy none the less. He was your typical average turdburglar, as he loved Transformers and he loved fruitloops for breakfast, but something was strange about this young lad. It seemed that everytime he saw a bright light, he couldn't help but flex his under-developed 13 inch pythons and hold his hand up to his mouth. The words that then followed often had to do with the mean things that he wanted to do to the other kids at school...Then one day it happened, and Sledge would never be the same. Some of the boys at school made fun of his Toughskin Jeans... "You can make fun of my hair, and can make fun of my skin....BUT NO ONE goofs on my choice of denim trousers!!!!!" Then with the pent up energy of horned up cheetah, Sledge unleashed a plethora of power punches to his opponents, much like his hero Chief Jay Strongbow. The first few seemed to startle their targets, but as soon as they saw him stomping the playground pavement upon impact, they burst out in laughter and no-sold every blow, and rushed home to see THUNDERCATS.  A broken Sledge, walked home, with burnt out pride (and a sore right foot) and retired to the confides of his filthy dark bedroom.

The next morning, Sledge was awakened by the sunlight, from a crack in the blinds. After cutting an early morning promo, to the audience of 8 star wars figures, Destro, and his Gene Simmons poster, Sledge had decided that he would avenge the SOB's that dragged his choice of fashion through the mud.  Throughout his morning ritual of fruitloops, and about 13 minutes of THE ELECTRIC COMPANY on PBS, Sledge went over his match-up in complete full detail -hours before the bell (much like he does now), and made his way to the bus-stop. The Sledger new that today was the day.

When recess had hit, the 3 boys approached Sledge, and told him that his jeans were poor and that nobody wears "boot-cut" anymore. That was the final straw!!! Sledge, like a crazed mad man attacked the boys, with everything he had, from DUSTY RHODES ELBOWS to TITO SANTANA FLYING FOREARMS---which this time actually took their toll. All 3 boys were down for the count. Sledge, then turned around and started waving his right hand in the air, in a circular motion, as the children playing kick ball went wild. Sledge picked up one of the SOB's and planted him with a picture perfect BULLDOG, that really hurt his rear-end, but would none-the-less certainly make any WINDHAM BROTHER proud. Then he picked up the second ham-and-egger by the hair, and attempted a headbutt that sent both of them on their asses. The boy was crying now, and Sledge was too, but OLE' SLEDGE was not going to let a couple of tears and a softball size welt on his forehead stop the carnage that he had planned. Sledge, filled with the combined intestinal fortitude of a complete Trailer-park family in an All-You-Can-Eat Meatball Buffett, got back to his feet (fell back on his ass, then got back to his feet again.)

Then... In a the most high risk maneuver, to ever hit the The Sunshine Middle School playground, Sledge dragged #3 to the monkey-bars, and proceeded to climb some 15 feet in the air. Perched high for all to see, even the hop-scotchers new that The Bully -Little Ed Ramos, was in for vengeance, as Sledge hopped off the monkey-bars and landed on the well-rounded breadbasket of the portly Puerto Rican.

After a trip to the nurses' office, and a lengthy verbal lambasting from the School principle, Sledge looked down and noticed that his prize Toughskins, were torn at both knees, and had a pocket missing from the skidding that his bum absorbed in that devastating Front-face Bulldog, that he had applied on Sh*thouse Ralphie Mosca. When he went home, his mother beat his ass till it turned pink, handed him a fresh pair of Lee's from K-mart, and threw Sledge's Not- So- Tough- Looking- TOUGHSKIN denim trousers, into the garbage. From that moment, no one would ever make fun of Sledge's TOUGHSKINS again.