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HARDCORE
UNO HISTORY
Ever wonder what other sport Kenny Casanova takes part in, when he is not grappling in a wrestling ring? Well wonder no more...
"Hardcore Uno" is a concept that was created and refined by Kenny Casanova -along with Marty The Party Vain and Hotbod Todd Taylor. It all started in the summer of 2001 when Kenny and Marty went to NYC and had some time to kill. It later esculated to new heights when a 10-man battle ensued at one of Marty's famous Parties. It is now a legend in the making and a traditional Sunday night activity, not for the weak at heart.
For the most part, only Kenny Casanova, Hotbod Todd Taylor and Marty The Party Vain have held the actual title with the exception of The Beechhound's one round reign. And "Yes!" There is a belt; a repainted ECW Tag Championship strap, now known as the U.N.O World Heavyweight Hardcore Championship.
Official terms, traditions and rules have been added to make the original game even more competitive. For instance, everytime a player draws a lot we say "They Drink." This term was born out of my own amusement for an Anne Rice book on cassette and her obvious facination for the word "drank." (It also has a subtextual meaning: it means that the drinking player sucks.)
We also call The Draw Four Card "The F-Bomb" or "The F-4" and The Skip card is often refered to as being a Candido or a
Bodydonna.
HARCORE UNO RULES
The Official Hardcore UNO Rules are like house rules but much more hardcore and filthy:
1) Cummulative Draw Twos and Draw Fours; if a player plays a particular draw card, the next player may opt to trump the same particualr card by playing another immediately upon their turn without drawing. Then, the next player must add the total and draw. You can only counter a draw four with another draw four and a draw two with another draw tow -no combinations are allowed.
2) In 3-way Dance Games or more, conspiraies and pacts are fully allowed, encouraged and transacted in public. It is fully legal to ask another player what they have in order to screw a person who is winning.
3) If you win a round, you cut a promo against the losers, one that is harsh and mean spirited. The promo is WWF in style, but more adult in most content.
4) In order to win the strap and be permitted to leave the house as The U.N.O WOrld Heavyweight Hardcore Champion, the final title match of the evening must be announced and occur.
5) The U.N.O WOrld Heavyweight Hardcore Champion must brag excesively for the entire week through emails*, telephone calls and unnecessary modeling sessions twith the belt. Losers are not permitted to steal the heat of the champion, as they should listen to the Champions promo and accept its merit.
6) The U.N.O WOrld Heavyweight Hardcore Champion must defend at least once a week, typically on Sunday night.
7) As the U.N.O WOrld Heavyweight Hardcore Champion, you may not deficate on the championship strap. (This rule has been added due to Hotbod
Todd's post victory promo's that warn one day he shall poop upon a the belt and has every right to do so, because it is his.)
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BRAGGING
RIGHTS TO THE CHAMPION
While you are not supposed to brag unless you are the champion, if a title is won in dispute, arguments will and do occur. Below is a sample of what email bragging rights look like. |
MARTY
"THE PARTY"
VAIN
(Poor Host Marsalles Poonjab)
(Seen here
sporting the original cheesy Hardcore Uno Championship Belt)
>>>> In a message dated 11/25/2002 9:49:12 AM Eastern Standard Time, "Marty Vain" <martythepartyv@hotmail.com> writes:
The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that Ken's title victory is more tainted than Todd's unusually large asshole.
(Editor's note: Ole Hotbod once mooned the losers in a post victory promo)
Therefore, I do not recognize Ken as champion. Hey, if Todd wouldn't
recognize me as champ when I CLEARLY won fair and square, then I won't recognize a man who is only champ because he is too stupid to not pick up only one card at a time. In closing, I declare the title officially vacant and a new undisputed champ will be crowned next time we all meet. I know you both won't agree, but as an equal share holder in the World Extreme Hardcore Championship Uno Federation, I have every right to express my distain. Let us convene soon to resolve this abhorently repugnant situation.
Eat a d*ck,
Marty "The Party" Vain
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> >P.S. Todd, make sure you use antibacterial soap when you wash your butt-plug. Subj: Re: tainted
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HOTBOD TODD
TAYLOR
(The Big Bad Naked and Nasty)
>>In a message dated 11/25/2002 10:44:46 AM Eastern Standard Time, HotBodTodd writes:
> Subj: Re: tainted
> Date: 11/25/2002 10:44:46 AM Eastern Standard Time
> From: HotBodTodd
> To: martythepartyv@hotmail.com
> Cc: K9CASANOVA@aol.com
Actually, even if you DID win 'fair and square', the champ is the guy who wins the last game of the night. As Ken won the last game of the night, and that game had no rules infractions, Ken is OFFICIALLY the champ. By playing the last game, you forfeited any right to protest the previous game. Unless you have a VALID reason for not recognizing Ken as the champ (as in a specific unlawful play in that last game), I'm afraid you must kiss Ken's ***, and call him champ. Unfortunately, I must do the same. Do wish my butt plug was yours?
HotBodTodd
The Greatest Uno Champion The World Has Ever Known
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KENNY
CASANOVA
(The Grand Exulted Hardcore Uno Champion)
Date: 11/25/2002 11:43:32 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: K9CASANOVA (The Uno Champ)
To: HotBodTodd@aol.com
Being the World Hardcore Heavyweight UNO Champion is a tough but prestigious role and I am happy to be your role model. I sense that there is some malnatured discontentment from a certain demographic and I feel that the meloncholy expressed is that of negativity. I moreover feel that being the UNO champion, it is my responsibility to mentor those beneath me and, henceforth, prodece some inspirational words of encouragement that could further edify the solumn state of loser-ship that is being experienced at the current time.
So... I decided to write you a poem:
Glory doth not lie
upon an egotistical head
nor does it lie in a promo's volume
and in boisterous things Marty said
Desire comes from the heart
and glory; through blood, sweat, and tears
honor is never brown,
pooping on the belt only smears
Uno is not something you learn
but more like a gift from God.
You get what you put into it
like a the plug of Hotbod Todd
So if your dreams are shattered
and your life feels like it's over
just look up to your UNO Champion
Kenny Casanova
EAD! My masterplan hath worked. I am once again, YOUR UNO CHAMPION!!!
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! |
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